I really am my worst enemy sometimes. I'll be in a situation and some part of me will always say or do the wrong thing. That part of me then feels smug as she watches me scrambling to make things right and fix the mess "I've" created. I can be such a bitch to myself!I keep telling myself that I'll work on my writing assignment at a certain time, in half an hour, after I’ve done this, as soon as I've eaten and time after time I don't do it. I have just such a sense of loathing towards this horrible assignment that I just can't get anything out. During the school year, when I have no time, I'd write it all out in an hour. Now that it's summer it takes me a day to even convince myself to write anything. I so pathetic!!!
I went running this morning. I keep doing other productive things instead of hw. At least that's something beneficial. I also weighed myself, thinking that I'd probably gained back all the weight I lost. But no, I'm 128lbs. This time, I no I didn't lose it due to lack of eating or stress or depression, I lost it because I've been playing tennis, running, and eating more healthy foods. That makes me feel great. My thighs still need some work and my stomach is a bit flabby, but I'll soon fix that. Right now I'm feeling very happy in the body I'm in.
In other news, today is the 4th of July. I always forget that the 4th of July is a holiday over here, because my British family really doesn't celebrate it. It's times like these that I feel a little lost. I'm not completely British anymore. I don't live over there, I use American words, I go to American schools, I have American friends. But at times like these, I'm not American. I'm not British and I'm not American. I'm not anything other than me. It makes me feel both empowered because I am not tied to something but also horribly isolated, alone, and helpless. I'm technically British but I've lived over here for six years. I've become my own person over here, but there's always a part of it that will never be home. My house is in California, but inside the house my family is English, we have English customs (though I'm not quite sure what they are), we still refer to Americans as "them" compared to "us", and my parents are still fluent in their "accents". It's just so confusing. Maybe one I'll live in a country which I "belong" to and I'll feel more connected.
Finally, my back hurts. I'm not sure what I've done to it, but every time I bend over my lower back informs me with stabbing pains that it is pissed off and hates me.