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I love the way you annoy me.
2004-09-22 10:25 p.m.
I haven't really written in here in a few days. It's late and I meant to go to bed a while ago, but now I'm past tiredness and I just want to let my mind spill on to the screen for a little bit. I haven't written anything like that in a long time. Thoughts falling on to the computer screen.
I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I'm starting to realize how beautiful I can be. Not in a physical sense, although I am feeling more confident, but more in an inner sense. I'm beautiful inside and it's nice that no one knows that when they first meet me. They have to get to know me before they realize who I am inside myself. Very few people actually get to glimpse into my mind. I'm so blessed to have those few people in my life.
We were asked to describe a place that makes us calm and happy today in Psych. I described last Sunday.
I love being driven in the rain, watching the raindrops kiss the clear windows hinting at rainbows.
I love the way my jeans are too long and they trail in puddles. I love how my clothes fit me perfectly even though they're sometimes a bit too big, so I feel so comfy in them.
Maybe tomorrow I'll wear my baggy blue shirt, because it's comforting.
All I seem to search for lately is safety and love. Not even search. Perhaps I'm waiting for them. I'm trying not to look, so I'm staring fixedly at them through my peripherals. They can't see that I'm staring or waiting.
I love the ache in my back that hurts so badly, but when I stretch it feels so relaxing. I want the dull ache to go away, but if it was gone, I'd miss it.
I miss other things too. I'm so relieved to be away from junior year and negativity and people who don't care about me, or rather, person who doesn't care at all about me. But I miss it a little. Which is crazy. I miss the sweet attention of having someone want to hold my hand and kiss my eyes even if he didn't actually want me, but wanted the idea of having someone himself. It's about possession.
When I fall in love, I don't want it to be about who has who. I want it to be: I'm with you because I love you and love spending time with you and I even love the way you annoy me sometimes and we are together, but we don't own each other. Because ownership implies being forced, rules, and control. And I don't think love is like that.
Please stop saying stupid things to me or about me. I'm tired of it. Stop acting like I'm ok. Maybe you are, but I'm not. It's not about you at all. It's all about me and how I'm feeling. That sounds selfish, but it's not. I'm over you and your meanness and insensitivity. But I'm not over myself or the horrible feeling that's been choking me for months. It's almost gone. So stop making it reappear.
Ok, none of that made any sense to anyone but me. And that is exactly how I want it.
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