As I start my senior year, there are countless incoming freshmen who are starting high school for the first time. That seems like an obvious fact, but it just hit me this morning. It's amazing how far I have come since freshman year. I'm a completely different person; I like to think I'm a better person. Yet, I feel so incredibly young sometimes. Realizing that there are others who are just starting high school, is almost incomprehensible to me. How can there people who are younger than me, when I feel so small? About a month ago, Chris and I walked down town for hours just talking and reminiscing. He often has a few pearls of wisdom to share with me. You change the most between the ages of 18 and 28 than you do during your entire childhood and teenage years. I believe that, since those are the years when a person steps out into the world and makes their own life. But having changed so much already, I'm apprehensive about how much more I'm going to change. However, in the end, every change has some good in it. I didn't want to move to the United States, but that huge change in my life has made me the person I am and completely opened up my view of the world. They say change is good. I think it is, but that doesn't make going through change any easier.
Laura gave me the address to a fantastic scholarship site. I wrote my first scholarship essay last night. Since it is the first one, I have high hopes for it. However, I bet I win absolutely nothing. I hate how scholarships are often based on pure luck or chance. I need that money. It shouldn't be based on luck when it's that important.
The other day, I realized that ultimately the only person I can completely rely on is myself. I do make mistakes, but they are my mistakes. I've decided to work tirelessly at this scholarship/college deal to earn the money I need. I'm going to prove to my father that I can do it. I think sometimes he thinks that he is the world and that he is the only one in our family capable of impacting any of our lives. We are all dependent on him for our livelihood. I want to show him that while I do need him, I'm perfectly capable of supporting myself. If I can get enough scholarship money, I can finance my first year of college. If I get my green card before the FAFSA form has to be sent off, I'll be well on my way to paying for my school. If I can work hard and show how badly I want this, perhaps schools will look at me and offer me further scholarships as well as acceptance letters. If I can just work through my senior year, I can get to college. Three of those fours "If’s" are entirely dependent on me. He can't tell me I don't have influence in my life or in my future. I'm going to do it. I know I might not even get one scholarship, just depending on who they are looking for to get the money. But I'm not going to contemplate that. Regardless of the odds, I'm going to work as hard as I can at this. Hopefully it will pay off.
I finished all my summer homework yesterday with four days to spare. I think everyone else is probably plodding away at it, but I’m done! It’s forty-four pages long. That doesn’t seem very much when you say it, but when you hold it in your hands and flip through it, it feels great. Every single page in it is quality work. I didn’t slack off during it. Flip randomly to a page and it will be just as focused as the first page. I’m going to do well this year, damn it.
Well now that I’m all pumped up and energized by my amazing-osity, I think I’m going to go eat my breakfast, take a shower, and teach some music. I love Saturdays.