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Complex Simplicity
2004-10-02 8:02 p.m.
I don't think I thought life is simple. And my life isn't nearly as complicated as it could be. Yet all the same, it overwhelms me with it's complexity. I seem to constantly question myself on everything and I often feel like I'm on a downward spiral. It seems like the genuinely good things in my life are bittersweet. Not that I want everything to come easy to me; life would be very dull. Just nothing is ever simple. Perhaps the only things simple in my life right now are my eyes. Either dry or welling up. Sleepy or wide open.
I don't think I'd want life to be uncomplex. I think it would scare me in it's simplicity. I need the suspense and uncertainty. Yet, knowing that I think that way makes me question myself even more. Why can't I be happy with what I have? I seem to constantly be reaching towards a goal and when I get there it's not what I thought it would be or how I thought I'd feel with it. It's the sudden, unplanned moments that make my life so wonderful. Right now I'm scared of myself. I don't trust my own emotions. I'm constantly surprised by other people and their actions and emotions towards me. I love peoples' affection for me. I love being hugged by close friends and being given backrubs and feeling so close to other people who care for me as much as I care for them. I like that warm, comfy feeling inside where I know that I'm loved as a family member and a friend and that I could fall in love someday with someone who loves me back.
Anyway, just some thoughts. I hadn't thought in here in a long while.
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