Today went well, but I've been feeling really tired. We ran a mile before tennis, which I did really well. I'm getting so much fitter. Makes me feel very accomplished.

Chris' birthday is tomorrow. I had told him we'd go do something for it, because he hadn't planned on anything. Tomorrow will be too busy for me to do much and I'll be exhausted, so we celebrated tonight. He picked me up at 7:15pm as per usual and I gave him his present with two strict instructions: 1) He had to open it that evening while I was watching, because I love seeing people open my gifts. 2) He couldn't ask me when to open it and when I wanted him to open it. He tends to ask me what I want to do, instead of choosing for himself. At Panama I opened the door for him, pulled out his chair and watched him love my gifts. I got him Lance Armstrong's It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life and made him his soundtrack. I love making people CDs. Every song on there was one I either thought he would like, had some inside joke between us, or pertained to him in some way. So then

I bought him a hot chai and me an iced chai while he put his gifts in his car. The lady taking my order said "you guys take whole milk, right?" Which I thought was funny, because of all the customers they get, we've become recognizable for being there so much. We sat outside Panama for a while until the cigarette smoke got too oppressive. Then we wandered around and ended up sitting on a street-corner underneath an orange street light. Chris made lame jokes about us being in the orange-light district. After a while, we saw O' Nurse, from camp, out walking Walter. She didn't recognize us at first, because it was dark, but then seemed to remember Chris. It was nice to see her, even if she probably didn't remember me. We wandered back to Panama and sat out there for a little while.

Then on our way back to the car, I saw Cliff. He was slouched in a chair, delicately holding a cigarette between his thin, slimy fingers. Everything about that man repulses me. It was so unexpected. Suddenly he looked right into my eyes for a second and I felt so unclean and low. It was just such a shock. It ruined the end of the evening. I felt bad, because the entire way home I could hardly stop shivering and Chris seemed genuinely concerned about me. I used to have nightmares about Cliff. He never did anything directly to me, but everything about him made me uncomfortable. I remember sitting at lunch and I would turned around and he'd be right behind me. He asked out all of my friends. The last time I talked to him, I said a clear "no" when he asked me out just before he was leaving Granada for some reason. I passed him in the hall as that school year was ending and I just avoided eye-contact. I used to have nightmares about him. I dreamt he was chasing me and if he caught me he'd rape and kill me. Not pleasant. If my life were a book, he'd be the epitome of evilness. I'm sure he's actually not as bad as I consider him in my head. I certainly don't think he's a nice guy, but he probably has some redeeming qualities or is at least not as creepy as I make him out to be. However, in my head, he symbolizes a monster. I think now that I'm older, I appreciate how scary that idea is to me. Anyway. That made me shiver.

Now, back to positive things. I think Chris has a great time, since he told me he did and that he really likes my CD so far. It's so great to have a close friend outside of school. It allows me to remove myself from all the stress and hard work for a little while. It's refreshing. Plus he's a great mentor. He's helped me a lot with working out college stuff. I'm sad he's leaving next week for school, yet I'm also very happy. I feel like I'm ready to stand on my own two feet. I've been relying on him to advise me and to hear out my rants. We have so much fun hanging out, but it's time for me to apply myself to school and my life without running to Panama every time I get nervous.

Today in Psych D lent me her shawl-thing to wear. That randomly popped into my head. I really want one like that. It made me feel like the faery I am. It made me feel safe and comfy, wrapped up in it. Plus, D's such a loving, lovely person, so that made me feel safe too.

I was so tired today. So sleepy. So sick-feeling in the pit of my stomach. And yet today was really calm and beautiful, for the most part.

At one point, Chris took off his shoes and walked barefoot in a patch of wet grass that some sprinklers had just watered. He looked like such a little kid. Even if he's 20 tomorrow, I know he will continue to walk barefoot in wet grass.